Retrospective: Night Watch (2004)

Night Watch
2004
120 minutes
rated R


by Scott Mendelsom

Night Watch, released in Russia in late 2004, is an intentional
attempt to copy the sci-fi punk fantasy formula that has found a solid
niche in the United States in the last several years. Of course, this
genre hasn't exactly produced the highest level of quality to begin
with. For every Dark City or Matrix, theres an Underworld or Ultra-
Violet, or Aeon Flux, or Matrix Revolutions, or Blade Trinity. Why a
foreign nation would want to emulate this not very worthwhile genre of
American filmmaking is a good and valid question. For whatever
reason, Russian audiences have flocked to this would-be epic and its
just-released sequel (Day Watch) and a trilogy capper is imminent.
The original broke Russian box-office records, grossing over $16
million and the sequel has so far grossed $33 million (thats 432
million rubles and 891 million rubles respectively).

This only proves that the current state of Russia is far more dire
than we know. They have the crippling breadlines, the insane Russia/
Chechnya territorial civil war (say what you will about George W., but
at least he doesn't stage or instigate Al Qaeda attacks to give an
excuse to arrest or trample political opponents and business rivals),
and the government that is slowly slipping back into dictatorship
(which tends to happen when you elect a guy with a mysterious past who
probably worked for Blofeld and tried to kill James Bond back in the
1970s). So desperate is their situation that they have flocked to
Night Watch, a film that is so awesomely bad that it may in fact be
the worst thing to happen to Russia since the North Ossetia school
massacre in September 2004.

The plot, to wit: Thousands of years ago, superstition and the sword
ruled. It was a time of darkness, a world of fear. It was the age of
Gargoyles? No, that would have meant being entertained. Instead this
age of darkness/fear/swords involves two warring cultures with special
powers, creatively named the Light and the Dark. Way back when, they
stopped their fighting ways and made an uneasy truce. From then on
in, the Light would watch the Dark at night, while the Dark would
watch the Light during the day. Thus the truce has been kept, right
under the noses of regular folk. Until something occurs to
potentially break the truce. This thing doesn't actually occur until
the last five minutes of the movie, as this is all set-up for the next
two pictures. And what a ridiculous, boring, and sophomoric set-up it
is.

The Light and the Dark are together called The Others (insert your own
joke concerning hatches, lottery numbers, or polar bears). In the
present day, they have special powers; powers that aren't terribly
well defined but they do involve jumping, kicking, making CGI light
shows, and wearing sun glasses at night (the latter power apparently
allows them to see the light that`s right before their eyes). The
Dark are also vampires, and it's implied that the Light likes blood
too, but who cares?

The entire film is a mishmash of the worst of sci-fi. The characters
are boring and underdeveloped. The action is fractured, heavily
edited, and impossible to follow or care about. Even the audio is
pointlessly loud. Worst of all is the story itself. Aside from the
opening narrated prologue and several key events throughout the story,
the picture is, from moment to moment, completely incomprehensible.
The film is obsessed with being cool, hip, edgy, and geeky. Everyone
is dressed in leather and everyone wears sunglasses. The music is
loud and not the least bit lyrical. There is no poetry, only noise
and random movement.

In conclusion, Night Watch is downright unwatchable. It's the worst
film so far this year and will probably keep that title for the near
future. If this is the path of this particular trilogy, then perhaps
the concluding saga should be entitled 'Don't Watch'.

grade: F