Review: I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (2006)

I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (2006) - * [out of ****]
Director: Sylvain White
Starring: Brooke Nevin, David Paetkau, Torrey DeVitto, Ben Easter,
Seth Packard, K.C. Clyde, Clayton Taylor, Michael Flynn, Don Shanks
Reviewed by Tom Elce
(copyright Tom Elce)
BBFC Rating(UK): 18
MPAA Rating(US): R

Because Jennifer Love-Hewitt no longer felt content with running
around in breast-suffocating, skimpy clothing and being pursued by a
maniacal fisherman, the focus of the third and, if there is a God,
final installment to the "I Know What You Did Last Summer" series
focuses on an all new bunch of teenage wrong-doers. If "I Still Know
What You Did Last Summer" was a sizable step down from its
predecessor, the direct-to-DVD "I'll Always Know What You Did Last
Summer" takes horror film making to an all new level of ineptitude.
The story isn't the slightest bit engaging, the characters aren't
worth giving a damn about, the directing--by Sylvain White--suggests
the work of a hack and the film is totally scareless. Nor is the
acting particularly impressive. All in all, "I'll Always Know What You
Did Last Summer" is an entirely irrelevant and undeniably pointless
continuation of a film series that was never anything masterful.

As disconnect to the previous two films as "I'll Always Know What You
Did Last Summer", screenwriters cannot avoid throwing in a number of
half-baked, blatant references to the other films into their
clinically terrible plot. Lest anyone forget that, indeed, this is an
"I Know What You Did Last Summer" film. When an ill-advised practical
joke goes wrong and one of their friends' lives is lost, a group of
teenage friends agree to keep the truth about his death a secret,
leaving the police and everyone else to continue believing the death
came as a result of an attack from a mysterious Fisherman (Don
Shanks). One year later, however, they're forced to come to terms with
what truly happened when the real Fisherman arrives on the scene to
dish out his own brand of punishment.

If the recycled story alone doesn't sound bad enough, wait until you
see the actors hired to portray the stock teenage characters at the
centre of it all. Brooke Nevine, David Paetkau, Torrey DeVitto, Ben
Easter and Seth Packard are admittedly only given types to play, as
opposed to realistic human beings, but do a terrible job even by stick-
figure cookie-cutter teen slasher standards. Michael Flynn and K.C.
Clyde fare no better as resident dimwits Sheriff Davis and Deputy
Hafner respectively.

The screenplay by Michael D. Weiss is probably the single worst thing
about the whole annoying affair. The audience is supposedly meant to
sympathise with the film's protagonists and hope that the Fisherman
doesn't hack them all to bits. The truth of the matter, though, is
that the viewer simply cannot wait for the mutilating to begin, and
hopes for a villain's victory. Weiss' characters don't interact like
actual people, recite terrible dialogue almost continuously and appear
totally unaware of the seriousness of their situation however loud
their screams get. Anyone objective could raise further questions of
Weiss' hack job, too. With the original batch of sought-after teens
the death of another was shamefully covered up and claimed the life of
someone completely unconnected with the teens. This time, a practical
joke honestly goes wrong and, if one is to blame anyone, was the fault
of the unfortunate whose life was ended, and whoever parked a vehicle
where the group, applying actual foresight, had placed mattresses to
ensure a safe landing. So, just how do these people deserve to be
tortured and killed? And why, as undeserving of punishment as the
friends are, do we still not give a damn?

There isn't a single reason to rent or buy "I'll Always Know What You
Did Last Summer". Unless, of course, you desire a good laugh or a
dozen at the inept filmmakers' expense. Directed as something only Uwe
Boll would be proud of, this putrid and pointless piece of garbage
would best be well avoided by anyone in search of an entertaining or
skillfully made horror/slasher film.